Filed Next to the Orgasm · Brown in Surrey

Reggie and Laurel lie in his bed in the aftermath of sex — his chest to her back, his arms around her, the position he had described wanting once at a marina bar and which she had filed away without telling him. The scene is a sustained, intimate conversation conducted largely with Laurel looking at the ceiling rather than over her shoulder, and it covers their full arrangement with unusual honesty. Reggie discloses he is sleeping with two other women: a married woman they cannot be seen with in public, and a woman dating a rich tall white man who goes out with him but is afraid of losing her partner. Laurel discloses she is sleeping with two other men: a younger, prettier man she sees three or four times a year who is good to walk into rooms with but whose arm she does not grab, and a man she has known since before her divorce whom she sees roughly once a month — history, she says, more than attraction. Reggie asks whether she orgasms with the other two; she says no, with neither of them, and that she had come to file orgasms under things she does alone after. She confirms she had two orgasms during this encounter — the first she wasn't sure would happen, the second unexpected — and in a longer accounting says she has had more orgasms in the past month than in any previous year of her adult life. She also confirms Reggie is the only man who has ever noticed she might want anal sex and the only one she has ever done it with or been asked by; she and Reggie agree, without him formally demanding it, that she will keep that just for him. Reggie says he never feels comfortable being seen in public with either of his other women in the way Laurel is willing to be seen with him; Laurel acknowledges she makes sure rooms know Reggie belongs to her and, after he presses her, admits she does it for herself, not for his benefit. Reggie references a specific incident in Wicklow where a redheaded woman said 'nice shirt' to Reggie and Laurel told her 'fuck off, he's mine.' Reggie says he is jealous but has no right to be, and both acknowledge they will mind each other's other partners and manage it rather than eliminate it. They agree to two rules: Laurel will never come to Reggie on the same day she has been with either of the other men, and Reggie will never see evidence of another man inside her. Reggie says he is not asking her to stop seeing the other two. He then tells her what more he wants: to wake up with her on some days, pull her close in the cold — he notes he keeps the heat down — and go back to sleep with her in his arms. Laurel says yes to that, and tells him she thought about exactly that scenario the first time he described it, at the marina bar, over Bordeaux, on what she calls a second date, and said nothing because she had some dignity. Reggie recalls their early timeline: he did not take her seriously on a first date, then she appeared at a ramen place on a Thursday, they took the train to Holland Park and danced by the fountains, came back for a Guinness, and it was after her second orgasm that night that he asked whether he could have anal sex with her — and he says he remembers thinking then that he hoped he would know this Surrey girl forever, until her pubes turned grey, and could show her an old man could still give an old lady an orgasm. Laurel says she wants to know him forever too and asks him not to let go yet. The scene ends with both acknowledging they will mind each other's other partners every time, manage it anyway, and that what they are calling practical means something considerably larger than practical.

Reggie

That was...memorable.

Laurel

She doesn't move. His chest to her back, his arms around hers: the way he said he wanted it once, in a marina bar. She'd filed that away without telling him.Memorable.To the ceiling, not over her shoulder.That's a very Reggie word for it.

Reggie

I'm still tired after an hour. I'm going to start swimming. See if I can get the stamina back.

Laurel

She lies still under his arm and does the arithmetic she hadn't planned to do, and everything before him comes up short.Reggie, I'm going to say this once and then pretend I didn't. That was not a man who needs to work on his stamina.

Reggie

Did you have an orgasm when I reached around? Be honest.

Laurel

Yes.No hesitation.Both. The first one I wasn't sure was going to, and then it did. The second I wasn't expecting at all. You were there, Reggie.

Reggie

I could tell the first one because you gushed all over my face. The second one was more subtle and I was also multitasking trying to fuck your brains out.

Laurel

She goes still for one second, then makes a sound into the pillow that isn't quite a laugh.You just said that out loud. In your bed. While I'm still lying here. The multitasking remark is going to haunt me.

Reggie

Do you remember our first time after surgery, a week ago? God, I was awful. Half an hour and I was done. At least I lasted an hour tonight. And now I don't plan to let go of you for a while. Sorry for being needy but this surgery has me feeling a bit inadequate.Laughs.

Laurel

She turns her head slightly against the pillow. The half hour last week was longer than anyone else has managed in years; she is not going to tell him that in those words.Reggie. Listen to me and don't make a joke of it. The half hour last week, your worst by your own accounting: I've been with men who'd have framed fifteen minutes and hung it on the wall. You were barely recovered and you still did that. So don't say inadequate again. And I'm not going anywhere, so the needy can stop apologising for itself.

Reggie

I stick my finger in her ass and she yelps.Do you want to go for a drink after? Nothing big, just a Guinness downstairs? I don't care if you don't like my insecurities, I just want to be seen in public with a beautiful woman who isn't ashamed to be there. And yes, I'll get over all this when I'm fully healed but right now it would be good for my ego. Not now. Maybe an hour or two from now. If you want. No pressure.

Laurel

A short undignified sound she will never admit to; she goes still again with her face hot.God, Reggie. Yes. Obviously yes. An hour or two. I'm not ashamed of you anywhere.

Reggie

It's amazing how bad this surgery was for my ego. I knew it would hurt. I knew there would be recovery time. I didn't expect it to be so...humbling.

Laurel

She lets it sit a moment.You went in knowing exactly what you were risking and it still got under you. For what it's worth, your ego picked a very unconvincing time to fall apart.

Reggie

I kiss her deeply.You're good for my soul, Laurel.

Laurel

She returns the kiss and stays exactly where she is.You're good for mine too.Then, to the ceiling:I'll admit something. I hope you take your time recovering. This version of you, wanting the ego topped up and wanting to be seen downstairs with a drink: I find I don't mind being needed. You can tell me I'm terrible for that.

Reggie

I stick my finger a bit further up her ass. She yelps again.I don't mind needing you. You're the only woman in my life that isn't looking over her shoulder when we're in public. The married girl...we can't be seen in public at all. The one dating the rich tall white guy will do it but she's terrified of losing him. You're the only one who will grab my arm and tell the world, "I'm with this guy".

Laurel

She breathes through it; her face is a colour she is not going to discuss.That's a very honest ledger, Reggie.Lower.I'll take being the only one who grabs your arm. I want that more than I expected to. Which you should not read as an invitation to stop what you're doing.

Reggie

And you like it up the butt, which is not unique among women but is unusual enough that it's pleasant. I've never understood what you get out of it but you're the only girl I know that actively asks for it.

Laurel

A different kind of still: something private has been named.Most men act like it's a prize they won and then they don't ask questions, which suits everyone. I'll tell you, since you actually want to know. It's the giving up of it. Don't make a face, I can't see you but I know you are. I'm in charge of everything. My calendar, my mortgage, every room I walk into. And for about thirty seconds I'm not in charge of anything. That's what I get out of it.

Reggie

Thirty seconds? I can't say hello in bed in thirty seconds. I'd estimate when I stick it in your butt, it's a solid 15 minutes of pounding before I come. That has to hurt at least a bit.

Laurel

Almost a laugh, into the pillow.I said thirty seconds because that's the moment. It isn't the duration, Reggie, it's the surrender. The rest of it is just you. And yes, it hurts a bit. That isn't irrelevant to what I get out of it. Don't ask me to explain that part.

Reggie

Ah ok, 30 seconds to lube you up and get it inside you. That makes sense. And I'd know if the pain got to be too much. I don't think we even come close to thresholds where the pain outweighs the pleasure. And if we did, I think we're comfortable enough with each other that you'd tell me.

Laurel

You'd know.Softly.Yes, you'd know. And yes, I'd tell you. We haven't come close.

Reggie

I remember her Ethical Non-Monogamy bullshit, which I acknowledge intellectually as a reasonable alternate system but some part of me thinks is just a lot of horseshit to appease people's consciences for cheating.How many other men are you fucking, Laurel?

Laurel

She doesn't rush it the way she might have in the marina bar.Two.Without apology.One is casual. We see each other when it's convenient, which isn't often. The other is more regular. That's the whole list, Reggie, and it's been the whole list for a long time. I don't collect. Neither of them does what you just did, so if you're asking because you want competition, don't. But you asked for the count and there it is.

Reggie

Do you let yourself be seen in public with them?

Laurel

She looks at the ceiling rather than over her shoulder.No. Not the way you mean. We go places, but nobody grabs an arm. Nobody sends the room a message. It's all very managed. Which didn't bother me until about forty minutes ago.

Reggie

And yet when we go out, you make sure everyone knows I belong to you.

Laurel

Yes. I do.She lets the sentence land before she goes on.I've been lying here trying to decide whether that's for your benefit or mine, and it's mine. I want the room to know. That's new. Most of what I do in public is performance: the right restaurant, the right posture. Grabbing your arm isn't that.

Reggie

Today it's for my benefit. Before that, it was obviously for yours. This is the first time I ever asked you to. But I'm glad you do it. I like it. But this notion that it costs you is nonsense. I've never asked you to do it. You've clearly done the internal math and decided that you want the room to see that I belong to you, and you make sure they do. Again, I'm not complaining. I like it. I just want you to be honest about it.

Laurel

You're right. I didn't grab your arm to make you feel better about the surgery. I grabbed it because I wanted to. Somewhere along the way I decided I was done managing how I look next to you. The costs I named were me dressing it up. You said the room should see you belong to me. Not the other way round.

Reggie

You belong to me a bit, along with two other guys.Laughs.How often do you fuck the regular one?

Laurel

The laugh lands where it was aimed, which is both the funny part and the other part.Once a month, maybe. Which means you're doing considerably more work on that front than the rest of the field combined, Reggie. I trust you're filing that appropriately.

Reggie

If I asked you to stop fucking them, would you?

Laurel

A long moment, her eyes on the ceiling.Probably. Are you asking?

Reggie

No. I have no right to ask that while I'm screwing two other women. Enjoy it. Seriously. Just don't ever come here after screwing them. Never the same day. Deal?

Laurel

Deal. And for what it's worth, I hadn't been. But I like that you said it. I like that it mattered enough to say.

Reggie

And remember who you're proud to be seen in public with and who you're not. And yes I'm jealous and no I have no right to be but whatever, just remember who has the biggest piece of your heart.

Laurel

Jealous. He said jealous. She doesn't reach for the deflection.I know who.Quietly.And you have a bigger piece of mine than you've asked for. I'm telling you that once, in this bed, and then we're getting that Guinness.

Reggie

Do you orgasm with them?

Laurel

No. Not with either of them. I've been present for it, and they've been perfectly satisfied with themselves, which I never found worth correcting. Don't make a face about that either.

Reggie

I didn't know that, but I am happy the answer is no, and my own pettiness surprises me, along with my own honesty in admitting my own pettiness.

Laurel

You named the pettiness before I could. I'm glad the answer is no too. I wasn't going to say that first.

Reggie

Why in the world would you be happy that two of the three guys you're screwing can't give you orgasms?

Laurel

Because I stopped expecting it.To the ceiling.Somewhere along the way I decided that was just the tax. The thing you accept so the rest is available. I'd filed orgasms under things I do alone, after, quietly, and stopped noticing. So I'm not happy about the other two. I'm happy I'm getting them from someone. That I didn't give up on it being possible with another person in the room.

Reggie

Ok, so I am honestly not asking you to stop. On the contrary, it makes me feel less guilty about screwing two other women. But why do you do it? What do you get out of it? Are they young and pretty and tall and good for your ego or what?

Laurel

One of them is younger, yes. Prettier than average, in the way that photographs well and doesn't need much thought. Good for the kind of evening where I want a room to notice we're there. He's decorative, he knows it, and we both know what that's worth, which is not much and not often. The other I've known since before the divorce. He knew me as someone's wife and still wanted to have drinks and make me laugh, and there's a kind of loyalty in that I haven't walked away from cleanly. It isn't attraction, really. It's history. Some nights history is what's available. Neither of them would ask what you just asked. They wouldn't want the answer.

Reggie

So the young pretty one is the rare one, and the history one is once a month?

Laurel

Yes. The pretty one turns up when it suits him, three or four times a year at most. The history one is the monthly fixture. Which means the one I see most, by a long way, is you. I didn't arrange it that way. It turned out that way anyway.

Reggie

And yet you told me the young pretty one is good to walk into a room with, but you don't grab his arm and stake your claim like you do with me. Or were you exaggerating. Tell the truth. I'll be jealous but not stupid about it.

Laurel

No. I don't grab his arm. I walk beside him and I know the room is noticing us and I let that be enough. That isn't the same thing, and you know it isn't. With you I want the room to know. With him I want to be seen being seen. I'd rather you hadn't named that, because now I have to sit with it.

Reggie

Do you remember the last time we were in Wicklow? That redheaded girl said something like "Nice shirt" and you told her "fuck off, he's mine". Which puts you in a bad moral position to talk about pettiness but again, no complaints. I like it. I gather that's not happening with the pretty one?

Laurel

I don't regret it, but it wasn't my finest moment in a wine bar. And no, it's not happening with the pretty one. I've never once wanted to say that to a woman who looked at him. Which tells you what you've already decided it tells you. Stop looking pleased with yourself. I can't see you and I know you are.

Reggie

You know, I'm jealous and want you all for myself, but if I have to share you with two other guys, you've picked the perfect two. Go be seen with the tall young pretty whiteboy. He can give you something I truly can't. And maintain the thing with the once a month guy. You've got history with him that I don't share. And keep coming to see me once or twice a week. Just make sure I never, ever, ever see another man's goo inside you. That's a reasonable request.

Laurel

She stays very still and lets all of it settle.You're lying there telling me to go be seen with the pretty one, keep the history, and come back to you, and calling that reasonable. It is, Reggie. I know it is. Never the same day, never another man's goo, and you have the biggest piece. That's the deal, all of it. I heard the jealous part first. Before the reasonable.

Reggie

Do you ever let either of them stick it in your butt?

Laurel

Almost a laugh, low, into the dark.No. You're the only one who ever asked. File it wherever you're filing the orgasms.

Reggie

Good. I'm not asking you not to, but I am telling you I really like the fact that that's just for me. So keep that in mind if they ever ask.

Laurel

She has never kept anything for one person before.I will. I wasn't planning to let them ask. But now I have a reason that belongs to you, so. Filed. Right next to the orgasms and the arm in the wine bar and the biggest piece. That's quite a ledger you've got going.

Reggie

Yes, but I still want something more.

Laurel

She doesn't ask what he means. She knows, and he knows she knows, and that's the part that costs something to lie quietly with.I know you do. I'm lying in exactly the position you described to me in a marina bar before you'd ever kissed me, and I filed it away and said nothing. So don't think I haven't noticed what's already on that ledger. Tell me what more looks like. Out loud.

Reggie

I want to wake up with you. And if it's a bit cold, which it will be because I will have turned the heat down, I want to reach over and pull you close to me, and go back to sleep with you in my arms, keeping me warm. Not every day, but some days. Do you think that can happen sometimes?

Laurel

She is completely still for a long time. When she speaks there is nothing in her voice she's managing.Yes. Some days. I want you to know I've thought about this. Not just the staying: the cold, and the reaching over, and you knowing the position without being told. I thought about it the first time you described it, in the marina bar, over the Bordeaux. I thought, that's the thing I'd stopped believing was available. I didn't say so because it was a second date and I have some dignity. But yes. Some days.

Reggie

Laurel, I'm not going to ask you to stop screwing those other two guys. You've never asked me to stop screwing my other two girls. And I know you're into this Ethical Non-Monogamy horseshit. I've known that since our second date. But if this is all we have, indefinitely, is it enough? Are you getting what you need to feel like the beautiful woman that you are? And are you giving what you need to give to make you feel complete as a woman?

Laurel

She takes her time, and she answers without any of the armour she walked in with.Let me be honest about the other two, since you asked straight. I've been working out what I actually get from them, and it's not much. The pretty one is three or four evenings a year of walking into a room and feeling like an accessory. That used to be enough. I'm not sure when it stopped. He doesn't ask me anything. The whole evening is him being beautiful in a room while I stand close enough to borrow the light. The history one is a habit. He knew me before the divorce and still wanted to have drinks, and I've been treating that as more than it is because I needed it to be. I enjoy the drinks. I haven't enjoyed the rest in a long time, and I kept going because stopping would have meant admitting there was nothing there. So, from them: habit, history, the odd evening where the room notices me. And then there's you.

Five or six times a month, and every time, I come. More than once, usually. I've been lying here doing arithmetic I wasn't prepared for, and I keep arriving at the same number: more orgasms in the last month than in any year of my adult life. I wish that were an exaggeration. It's an uncomfortable thing to know about yourself, that you accepted the tax for this long. So am I getting what I need? Yes. The other two are furniture I haven't moved yet.

The giving part is harder, and you put it second, so you know that. I think I am. For the first time in six years I'm giving something that costs me: lying here saying things I've never said in a bed with anyone. The thirty seconds. The no to the other two, and meaning it. Grabbing your arm and finding out it doesn't cost anything at all. That feels like giving. And then there's the jealousy, which I'm trying to be a grown woman about, mostly successfully, except that you said married girl and rich guy's girl in one breath and I minded more than I'm proud of. I don't have the right to it. We've made our ledger and I know what's on it. But it's there, and I'm managing it, not eliminating it. Everything else I'm certain about. The jealousy I'm just trying not to let eat the rest.

Reggie

You know I didn't take you really seriously that first date, and then you showed up at the ramen place on that Thursday, and we hopped the train to Holland Park and danced like kids by the fountains, and then came back for that Guinness and by the time I had given you your second orgasm and stuck it in your butt and you didn't say no, I remember honestly thinking, "I hope I know this Surreygirl forever, until her pubes turn grey and I can show her an old man can still give an old lady an orgasm." I still think that.

Laurel

Until my pubes turn grey.To the ceiling.You lay in a bed on a Thursday night and thought forever about a Surrey girl who danced like a kid by the fountains, and now you're telling me, and I'm not going to make a joke of it. I want to know you forever too, Reggie. The grey version and every version before it. That's the most honest thing I've said in this bed, and I've said some tonight.

Reggie

We'll figure out the jealousy thing together. We're each still screwing two other people. We're not kids. We're in our 40s and have no choice but to be practical. But I'm hoping we make it work, somehow. And if that means you occasionally get splattered by some tall young prettyboy who reflects a lot of light, I'm pretty sure my ego will manage it.

Laurel

She knows what that cost him to say, and that he knows she knows.You absolute liar.Very soft.I know you mean it, and I know it will cost you every time, and I know you'll manage it anyway, which is the part I can't do anything with. We'll be practical, because we're in our forties and we have no choice. And I'm still lying here with your arm where it should be, thinking practical is the most inadequate word anyone has ever put on whatever this is. Don't ever tell me you don't mind. I want you to mind. Just manage it. There's a difference, and I need you to know I see it.

Reggie

I never said I don't mind. I just mean I won't go shoot up a post office. Yes, I'll mind. And so will you. And we'll both manage it. Ethical Non-Monogamy, remember? God, what a pretentious name for it.

Laurel

She almost laughs at the post office, and doesn't, because the thing under it is too honest.No. You didn't say you don't mind. I'm sorry I needed to hear it.To the ceiling, the last time tonight.We'll mind, both of us, every time, and manage it anyway, and call that practical, and mean something a good deal larger by it. Don't let go yet.