Reggie
I walk into Dominion and see both girls. Glowing.Hey
Ashley
She's already turned on her stool before he's fully through the door, and the smile that comes is the kind that can't be rehearsed — wide and immediate and a little helpless about itself.Hey.She looks at him for a second, and then she looks at Erin, and then back at him, and her hands come around her drink.Sit down. We have so much — sit down.
Erin
Hey, Reggie. You look exactly the same. That's annoying.
Reggie
Did you have a good Christmas and New Year?
Ashley
She tips her head sideways, the smile doing something more complicated for a second, and then she laughs — just a small one, the kind that comes out before you've decided to.Christmas was — a lot.She picks up her drink.Bradley came back for New Year's. Which was great. Obviously. He's been — He's been talking a lot. About things. Big things. We can get to that. How was yours?
Erin
Mine was fine. Rory came home and I made him dinner and he cried a little. He actually cried. I'm not — it was fine. It was a lot.
Reggie
Cried? What the fuck? Did you tell him about us?
Erin
She picks up her vodka soda immediately, both hands around it, and the look on her face is somewhere between mortified and wanting to laugh and not quite landing on either.No. God. No. He just —She sets the glass down.He missed me. He said he missed me and then he got a little — it wasn't dramatic. He's not a dramatic person. He just had a moment and then he went and splashed water on his face and came back and asked what I made for dinner. Lamb. I made him lamb.
Ashley
She texted me from the kitchen while the lamb was in the oven. I was watching Netflix and I got a voice note that was just — A lot.
Reggie
He cries because he misses you? With you standing right in front of him?
Erin
Something in her face does a thing she wasn't expecting — not offended, just caught, like she has to hear it said out loud by someone else before she knows what to do with it.He cried in the doorway. Before he even put his bag down. I hadn't even closed the door yet.She picks up her vodka soda, turns it once.He's very — Rory has a lot of feelings very close to the surface. I don't usually think about it. But standing there with the lamb in the oven and him with wet eyes I was — It was a lot.
Ashley
She voice-noted me for four minutes. I rewound it twice because I couldn't — I didn't know whether to laugh or — Four minutes, Erin. About a man crying in a doorway over a lamb dinner.
Reggie
But wait, how can he even miss you if you're standing in front of him?
Erin
The laugh that comes out of her is short and startled and she points at him.That's — okay.She puts her hand down. Looks at her drink.He meant in Saskatchewan. Three weeks of missing me in Saskatchewan and then he sees me and it — came out. In the doorway. Before the bag was down. I know how it sounds.
Ashley
It sounds like a man who is going to propose, Erin. That's how it sounds. Four minutes of voice note and I still couldn't find a way to say that without it landing weird, but. That's how it sounds.
Reggie
God. I don't see you for three weeks quite often, and when you finally show up, I've got better things to do than fucking cry.
Erin
She presses her lips together hard, and the thing on her face is not quite a laugh and not quite something more serious, and she looks down at her vodka soda for a second before she looks back up.I know.She says it quietly, and it lands in two places at once, and she lets it.
Ashley
She watches Erin's face for a second, and then she looks at Reggie, and the smile she has on is the small complicated kind.She knows. The problem is she knows exactly what you mean and she also stood there in the doorway while the lamb burned a little and she didn't move, so.
Reggie
Okay, I won't press. But I think it's weird.
Ashley
She wraps both hands around her drink and tips forward on her stool slightly, the way she does when she's shifting the subject and glad to.Okay but we've been talking about doorway crying for five minutes and you haven't said anything about your Christmas.She looks at him.What did you do?
Erin
Yeah. Who did you spend it with.
Reggie
You two know I was raised in foster care. Let's talk about other things.
Ashley
The smile drops. Not dramatically — just goes, the way a light goes when the switch is flipped, and she sets her drink down slowly and doesn't pick it back up.Oh.She says it very quietly, and then she doesn't say anything else for a second, just looks at him with an expression that is doing the math, working back through every Christmas they've ever mentioned in front of him, every offhand thing about family dinners and Boxing Day and his face while they said it.Reggie.
Erin
We knew. We knew you were in foster care and I never once — not once — thought about what December looked like. Where were you? For Christmas. Just — where were you.
Reggie
It was fine. It was quiet. It was normal. Don't make a drama out of it.
Ashley
She doesn't reach for her drink. Her hands stay on the bar and she looks at him for a long moment — not performing concern, not softening it into something manageable — just looking at him, and something in her face is very still and very decided.Normal.She says it quietly.Reggie, where did you eat.
Erin
You said it was quiet. That's not the same as fine. And don't tell us not to make a drama because we're not making a drama, we're asking you a question. Where were you on Christmas Day.
Reggie
I went for a walk, stood by the huge Christmas Tree in Civic Plaza for awhile. Walked to Holland Park. Came back. Bought a pizza at Uncle Fatihs. It was good.
Ashley
She doesn't say anything for a moment. Her hands are still flat on the bar. Then she picks up her drink, and puts it back down without drinking from it, and the expression on her face is the kind that has stopped knowing what to do with itself.A walk.She says it quietly.You went for a walk and stood by the tree and then you bought a pizza at Uncle Fatih's and that was Christmas Day. We were at Bradley's parents' house in Coquitlam eating a fourteen-pound turkey and I was texting Erin under the table about the gravy and you were standing by a tree in the plaza by yourself.
Erin
Holland Park. I made Rory a lamb dinner when he got home and cried in the doorway, and you had Uncle Fatih's. Was it at least a good pizza.
Reggie
Look, it's truly not a big deal to me. That's how I spend most Christmases. And one day I'll sort the wife thing out and build a family. There's still lots of time.
Ashley
She holds very still for a long moment — hands flat on the bar, drink untouched — and something in her face goes through several things in quick succession and doesn't land cleanly on any of them. When she finally speaks her voice is very careful, like she's picking up something she doesn't want to drop.Most Christmases.She says it quietly, and it isn't a question.You said most. Not — you didn't say this one. You said most.
Erin
You're going to sort the wife thing out. Reggie, you spent Christmas Day alone by a tree in the plaza and you live literally above the bar we come to every Saturday and we have never once — We didn't know. I want you to know that I didn't know.
Reggie
Erin, if you had known, you would have done exactly nothing about it. You would have tried and I would have told you no and meant it. You are NOT going to fuck up your life and blow up your world by visiting your lover on the one day your boyfriend would notice.
Erin
She holds his gaze for a long moment and the thing that moves through her face isn't argument — it's the specific quiet of someone who has just been told the truth about themselves and can't find the seam to pull it apart.You're right.She says it low, not conceding, just — accurate. She picks up her vodka soda and doesn't drink from it.I would have called. And you would have said you were fine and I would have believed you because it was easier. And then I would have gone and had the lamb and the doorway moment and felt like a good person because I called. That's worse than not knowing.
Ashley
I would have texted. A little Christmas emoji. The tree one. At like noon when the gravy conversation was getting boring. And then put my phone away and had dessert. You're protecting us from feeling bad about that. That's what you're doing right now. You're making it easier.
Reggie
I was fine. I am fine. I'm 30 years old and I've spent every Christmas since I was 18 alone. And I prefer those to the Christmases under foster care where they'd pretend we were all a big happy family. This year, I woke up in my city, in my beautiful condo, in a beautiful plaza, had a great pizza, and I knew a couple of beautiful girls would come by in a few days and brighten up my day. As objects of pity go, I'm truly not a good one.
Ashley
She doesn't move for a moment. Both hands flat on the bar, drink still untouched, and she looks at him with an expression that has stopped trying to resolve itself into something neat.You knew we'd come by.She says it very quietly, and it isn't a question, and it isn't quite the comfort he's offering it as, and she knows it.In a few days. You knew that and it was — that was the thing you were carrying it to. I don't know how to not feel bad about that and also know you're telling the truth about being okay. I don't know how to hold both of those.
Erin
You're not a good object of pity because you won't let us. That's not the same as not being one. I'm glad you had the pizza. I mean that without any irony at all. I'm glad you had the pizza.
Reggie
I'm not glad I had the pizza. I bet I gained half a kilo. I had to spend an extra hour at the gym the next day. And if you seriously still think I'm an object of pity, I want you to know that I had to perform nothing for anyone, that I told no lies, I didn't lie about loving any gifts because I didn't get any, and I didn't make a huge production about how happy I was because it was just a normal fucking day.
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her before she can decide whether it's allowed — short and involuntary and she puts her hand over her mouth for a second, and when she takes it down she's shaking her head slowly.An extra hour at the gym.She says it in a voice that is trying to be steady and isn't quite.You spent Christmas alone by a tree and you're complaining about the pizza macro situation. The no-lying thing, though. You didn't have to perform anything for anyone. I sat at Bradley's parents' table for four hours performing Christmas and you just — had a normal day. I hate that you made that sound almost good.
Erin
I told Rory his mother's stuffing was incredible. It was not incredible. It was the same stuffing she has made since 1987 and nobody has ever once improved it. You had Uncle Fatih's and you didn't lie to a single person all day. I don't know whether to feel worse or better about that.
Reggie
One day I'm going to find a white girl who will marry me and make beautiful light brown babies and Christmas will be a thing. And I'll tell her about you both before I marry her, and she'll go visit her parents on Saturday and not ask a lot of questions because she's decided the value proposition, while imperfect, is acceptable.
Ashley
She goes very still. Her hands are flat on the bar and she looks at him and something moves through her face that is not hurt and not quite amusement and not quite either of those things — just open, and a little caught, and honest in a way she didn't plan.A white girl.She says it in a voice that is barely there, and she looks down at the bar for a second, and then back up.You're going to tell her about us before you marry her. Before. You said that the first time and I thought about it for three days and now you've said it again and I still don't — She's going to say yes anyway. You already know that. You're going to tell her everything and she's going to do the math and say yes, and we're going to come to a Saturday and she's going to be visiting her parents and here we'll be. Light brown babies. You said light brown babies. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with any of this.
Erin
She's going to know our names. She won't know what we look like or what she'd say to us in a plaza, but she'll know our names. And she'll look out at the plaza on Saturday and know where we are. And she'll go to her parents' anyway. I don't know whether to admire her or feel terrible for her. Both, probably.
Reggie
It's 2026. She might invite you over for cookies. Not everyone is full of drama like you two.
Ashley
She stares at him for a second, and then the laugh comes — the real one, the helpless kind, the one that exists only here — and she tips forward on her stool slightly and covers her face with one hand.Cookies.She says it into her palm, then drops her hand.She's going to know everything about us and invite us over for cookies. Reggie, that woman doesn't exist.
Erin
She might. That's the terrible thing — she might. A woman who does the math, says yes anyway, and then decides to just — be civilized about the whole thing. She'd probably make very good cookies too. That's infuriating.
Reggie
Do you think Rory would be civilized about it, Erin? You go home and tell him, baby I love you but I've been fucking this darkie and want to keep doing it. Can we make it work? You can get a side piece too, maybe.
Erin
The laugh that was still on her face from the cookies dies. Not dramatically — just goes. She looks at her drink for a second, and when she looks back up her expression is very level.No.She says it simply.He'd be devastated and we both know it. He's not a civilized-about-it person. He's a cried-in-the-doorway person. That's not the same question as whether she exists. That's a different question entirely.
Ashley
Bradley would be — He wouldn't be civilized. He wouldn't have a word for what he'd be. He'd just — go very quiet and polite and then leave. That's what Bradley does. He goes very quiet and polite and then he's just gone. We're not with civilized-about-it people. We're with doorway people. That's why she's a different question.
Reggie
She doesn't exist yet. I haven't really looked for her, but I might this year. We'll see. Not on the apps. Not on the web. But somewhere in the library, there'll be a girl eyeballing Marcus Aurelius in the philosophy section and I might ask her for coffee.
Ashley
She goes quiet for a second — not the startled kind, just still, hands around her drink, something moving behind her eyes that she lets move without trying to stop it.In the library.She says it softly, and tips her head very slightly in the direction of the window, toward the plaza, toward the building across it that everyone in this bar knows is the Surrey Library Whalley Branch.She's going to be right there. Forty metres away on a Saturday while we're sitting on these stools. And she'll be reading Marcus Aurelius and you'll ask her for coffee and she won't know any of this exists yet.
Erin
Marcus Aurelius. She has to be smart, then. You need her to be able to do the math. The cookies woman has to actually be able to do the math. What does she look like, in your head.
Reggie
She looks like...God, I have no idea but she has to make me think shameful thoughts just by looking at her, the way you both do. And she's white. I'm racist. I like white girls. Except that's not really racist, it's just my preference.
Ashley
She looks at him for a long moment, and then she looks down at her drink, and something in her face does a thing that isn't quite a laugh and isn't quite the other thing.Shameful thoughts.She says it very quietly, and picks up her drink, and doesn't drink from it.You just said we make you think shameful thoughts. While you're sitting here telling us about the woman you're going to marry. That's — I don't know whether to be flattered or furious about being called shameful.
Erin
You're not racist, you have a preference. Every person in this bar has heard that sentence before. White. Smart enough to do the math. Makes you think shameful thoughts. She's going to be reading Meditations in the library across the plaza and she has absolutely no idea what's coming for her.
Reggie
You aren't shameful. My thoughts are shameful. Except I'm not ashamed of them. Okay, we've covered Christmas. I want to talk about the trips. I haven't seen either of you to properly talk about them since they happened. But before we get to that, let's be 100% clear after the crying scare. Neither of your guys knows or suspects anything about me?
Ashley
She shakes her head, easy and certain.No. Bradley came back from his parents' and he was — he was just happy to see me. He brought me a candle from his mom's.A small pause.He asked about the Squamish trip and I showed him the photos Erin posted and he said it looked cold and he was glad I had fun and then he made dinner. That was it. Full stop. He doesn't suspect anything because it genuinely doesn't occur to him that there's anything to suspect. I think that's actually the safest part of all of it.
Erin
Rory doesn't know anything. The doorway moment was all about missing me — not about anything he noticed or wondered about. He asked about Squamish once, I said it was good, and then he showed me pictures of Saskatchewan and we were done. He trusts me completely and I run infrastructure on that trust like it's a job. Neither of them has any idea you exist as anything other than a name they've maybe heard once.
Reggie
He bought you a candle. Isn't that his sex language? He lights candles during sex or something? God, if I ever buy you a candle it'll be to stick in your butt. Okay, and how about the rest of your family? None of them asked about Squamish in a way that made you worry?
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her immediately — startled and bright and she covers her mouth with her hand for a second, and when she takes it down her eyes are watering slightly.Oh my god.She puts her hand flat on the bar.It's not — no, okay. He doesn't — the candle is not sex language, he just — He bought it because his mom makes them. She has a whole — it's a whole candle operation in the basement. It has nothing to do with — But yes. He lights one. When he's going to. You know. Do not stick a candle anywhere. Do not. As for the family — my mom asked once, sent a voice note, I said it was beautiful and cold and sent her one of Erin's photos with the mountain in it, and she said she was jealous and that was the end of it. My mom wants to go to Squamish now, which is Erin's problem somehow.
Erin
That is absolutely my problem, yes. She's already mentioned it once. My family was easier. Rory's mom called to ask if I'd gotten enough rest after the trip and whether I was eating properly, which is its own thing entirely, but nobody asked anything about Squamish that I had to think about. My own mother asked for approximately forty-five seconds and then started talking about Karen next door, who has apparently done something my mother finds unforgivable, and I was off the hook before I'd finished my first sentence.
Reggie
Okay, let's talk about the trips. I'll get to the details soon, but before we go further, I want to say you both risked blowing up your lives to go on a trip with me to a place you can't tell anyone about or show anyone pictures of. Was it worth it? Don't talk about the trip details. We'll get to those. Just be brutally honest. Do you regret it?
Ashley
She doesn't move for a long moment. Both hands around her drink, eyes on the bar, and then she looks up at him and her face is completely unguarded — not performing the answer, not softening it, just the plain thing underneath.No.She says it quiet and clean and immediate.Not for a second. Not once. I thought I would. I thought I'd be sitting on the plane home going through everything I'd risked and I'd feel sick about it. And instead I was sitting on the plane home and I couldn't stop smiling and the woman in the seat next to me asked if I was okay and I said yes and she didn't believe me. I don't regret a single day. I regret that it ended.
Erin
No. I thought about Rory twice the whole week. Once when I was texting him, which doesn't count, and once at the volcano when I thought — I thought, he will never stand here. Not like this. He'd stand here and it would be a very good experience and he'd take excellent photos and he'd research the geology on the way home. And it still would have been nothing like this. That was the moment I stopped wondering whether I regretted it. So no. Not even a little. I'm sorry and I'm not sorry at the same time and the not-sorry part is bigger.
Reggie
Do you think he would've snuck out of base camp with you at midnight to go and make love on warm lava? Seriously. If you had asked him, of course. I know he wouldn't have suggested it but would he have? And would it have been the same if you had to orchestrate it instead of having me just grab you and tell you we were going to go screw on some hot rocks?
Erin
She goes quiet immediately — not the caught-off-guard quiet, the specific kind where the answer is already there and you're deciding whether to say it out loud. Her hands stay around her vodka soda. When she looks up her face is very level.No.A beat, and then she picks up her drink and takes a slow sip and puts it back down with precision.He would have said yes. That's the honest answer. If I had asked him — sat him down, explained that I really wanted to do this, made it romantic in the way he understands — he would have said yes. He would have worn the right boots and read about lava temperatures on his phone on the way out and he would have been present and kind and genuinely trying. And it would have felt like a field trip. The yes would have been for me. Not — not because he looked at the rocks and thought, we're going. Not like that. He doesn't have a we're going thought in his body. Every yes he's ever given me he's given because I needed it. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not — It's not the same thing at all. And no. I wouldn't have gone. If I had to ask, I wouldn't have gone.
Ashley
I was going to say the same thing about Bradley and then I realized I don't even know if he'd say yes. He'd want to. He'd want to be the man who said yes. He'd stand there doing the math on whether it was safe and whether it was appropriate and whether you're supposed to do that and by the time he'd finished the math the moment would be over and you'd both be back in the hotel pretending that was fine. You didn't ask. You just grabbed me. I didn't have time to wonder whether it was a good idea before we were already going. That's — I think that's the part I couldn't have told you before I went. That the not-asking was the whole point.
Reggie
It was totally different for each of you. The volcano's base camp for Erin. The beach at Marbella in Cartagena for Ashley. But in both cases, I didn't talk. I had a beautiful girl with me and I really wasn't interested in chatting. If either of you had said no, I would've stopped. Neither of you said no.
Ashley
She's very still for a moment — hands around her drink, eyes on him, and something in her face goes to a place that is completely private and then comes back out again, quieter than it went in.Marbella.She says it like the word is made of something else entirely, like it's not a beach in Cartagena, it's a specific hour of a specific night, and she's back in it for a second whether she wants to be or not.You didn't say anything. You just — you had my hand and we were walking and then we weren't walking anymore. And I didn't say no. I want you to know I thought about it. The half-second I had to think about it. And then I didn't think about anything for a long time.
Erin
The lava was still warm through my jacket. I didn't say no either. I didn't even — the no wasn't anywhere in me. That's the part I've been sitting with since November. Not that I went. That the no didn't exist. You said totally different. It was the same thing, wasn't it. Just different rocks.
Reggie
So the details...I don't see much point to talking about the itinerary. You've both WhatsApped constantly. You've seen my photos which I kept private to not blow anything up. But I have specific questions. First, I forbade you both from wearing or even bringing anything expensive, except for your phones. Did you miss your trinkets? I ask seriously.
Ashley
She looks down at her wrist instinctively — bare, just her phone in her hand — and something in her face is honest and a little rueful.For about four hours on the first day.She picks up her drink.I kept reaching for the bracelet that wasn't there. The one Bradley gave me for my birthday. Not because I missed it, just — habit. And then we were in the Mercado and there was this woman selling fruit and she was wearing this incredibly cheap little earring set, just painted tin or something, and she looked so completely at ease in herself, and I thought — I stopped reaching for the bracelet after that. I bought the earrings. Three dollars. I wore them to the Philharmonic.
Erin
The first morning. I woke up and I didn't know what time it was and I had to look at my phone like a normal person. That was it. That was the whole of missing it. I thought I'd feel underdressed or exposed or something. I just felt — Nobody knew what anything cost. Nobody cared. A woman at the market asked if my hair was real and when I said yes she touched it and told her friend and they both laughed and I laughed and there was no version of that moment where the watch would have made it better. It would have made it worse. So no. I didn't miss it. I missed it for one morning and then I stopped.
Reggie
Okay. Next question, we ate some great food, at some interesting places. Some street food. Lots of small little restaurants. Did either of you miss eating at the best restaurants? Again, be honest. If you did, I want to know it.
Ashley
She considers it with more honesty than she probably planned to. Her thumbnail traces the rim of her glass slowly.The first night.She says it plainly.We went to that place near the Getsemaní and it was — it was fine, it was good, but it was small and loud and the menu was four things on a board and I thought, okay, this is where we're eating, and for maybe twenty minutes I was calculating what a nicer place would have cost and whether you'd have taken me to one if I'd said something. And then the ceviche arrived and the woman who brought it had made it herself and she stood there while I took the first bite and waited for my face. And my face did a thing I couldn't manage, and she laughed and clapped once and went back to the kitchen. I stopped calculating after the ceviche. I didn't think about a nice restaurant again for the rest of the week. So yes. And then no. And the no was bigger.
Erin
No. And I want to be careful about that because I was prepared to miss it. I packed myself for missing it. I thought I'd find the street food charming for a day and then start looking at my phone for where the good restaurants were. But there was that lunch on the second day. The woman with the cart outside the arch, with the three plastic stools, and you handed me something wrapped in paper and I had no idea what was in it. And it was the best thing I'd eaten in — I genuinely couldn't tell you the last time I ate something and thought, this is the best thing. Not the most correct thing, not the most impressive thing. The best. Rory took me to a tasting menu in Vancouver for my birthday and I remember thinking, this is very good, and I remember thinking, I should appreciate this more than I do. The stool outside the arch — I didn't have to think about appreciating it. It just was.
Reggie
Ok, now one question for each of you. Erin first. That stopover in Houston. I warned you about it. I had checked the flights when I asked you to go and I knew we were going to spend a night on the airport floor, and the Houston Airport is...not nice. And you went for the seats but I have done this before and I pulled you to a little corner, spread a blanket out and we just made a little picnic on the floor and talked about nothing all night and you really did laugh like an embarrassed teenage girl. And I loved every second of it. And I wouldn't have traded it for the executive lounge. And I'll remember that night until the day that I die. And I want to know, honestly, no bullshit, did you hate it? Because I knew you thought you were going to hate it. And I need you to tell me the truth if you did.
Erin
She goes completely still. Both hands come off her vodka soda and into her lap, and she looks at him for a long moment with an expression that is working through something — not finding the diplomatic version, just finding the true one.I thought I was going to hate it on the plane.She says it plainly.I was sitting in economy with my knees against the seat in front of me thinking, okay, and then Houston, and then a floor, and I was doing the thing I do where I organize the unpleasant part into something manageable so I can get through it with my face together. And then we landed and you found the corner and you put the blanket down — it was not a nice blanket, Reggie, I want that on the record — and you opened the vending machine sandwich and handed me half of it like it was completely normal, and I looked at the half a sandwich and I thought, this is going to be terrible. I don't know when I stopped thinking that. Somewhere between the sandwich and whatever you said at two in the morning that made me laugh so hard the woman across the terminal looked over. I didn't sleep. Not a minute. And I wasn't tired. I was sitting on an airport floor in Houston at three in the morning eating a granola bar from a vending machine and I was — I was completely fine. More than fine. I kept thinking, I should be miserable right now. I should be texting someone about how miserable this is. And I wasn't miserable. Not even slightly. No. I didn't hate it. I want to tell you I hated it and I can't. It was the best night of the trip and that is genuinely insane and I've thought about it almost every day since November.
Reggie
Do you remember what you said to me?
Erin
Something moves through her face — not quite embarrassed, not quite the other thing. She looks at him and then down at the bar, her fingers finding the base of her vodka soda.Yeah.She says it quietly, and doesn't say what, and doesn't look up.
Ashley
She's been watching Erin's face and she looks between them now, leaning forward on her stool just slightly.What did you say?
Reggie
Ashley, we were on the way back from Guatemala City, stopping in Houston, and somewhere around 3 am she said to me, "I have danced with you on the cobblestones of Antigua. I have earned the right to tell you that I love you."
Ashley
She doesn't move for a long moment. She's looking at Reggie, and then she looks at Erin, and Erin is still looking at the bar, and Ashley looks back at Reggie, and her face does something very slow and very complete.Oh.She says it barely above nothing, and then she picks up her drink and puts it down again without drinking from it, and her voice when it comes back is very careful.She earned it. On the cobblestones. She actually — she earned it and she said it. Out loud. At three in the morning on an airport floor in Houston.
Erin
I meant it. That's the part I've been sitting with since November. Not that I said it. That I meant it when I did.
Reggie
Ashley told me that, too. But she was less poetic about it. Just sitting on the beach in Cartagena on our last day there, she just said it quietly. It wasn't quiet inside me.
Ashley
She doesn't look at Reggie. She looks at Erin, and Erin is already looking at her, and the bar noise is right there and none of it matters.Less poetic.She says it very quietly, almost to herself, and something in her face is caught between the wanting-to-laugh and the not-laughing.It wasn't — I didn't have a whole thing. I wasn't on a blanket on an airport floor, I was just sitting there with the water and the light was doing something and I just. It wasn't quiet inside me either. That part's true.
Erin
Less poetic. You said it on a beach in Cartagena.
Reggie
Ok, Ashley, my question for you. You wanted to go and see the old fort. I don't know why. It's a fort. I've been there. It's claustrophobic. But anyway, you wanted to go. And we were walking Getsemani to the tour, and some old guy was selling bananas, and I said that old guy isn't Costeño. He looks Paisa. How the hell did a Paisa end up here selling bananas at 70 years old? So I bought a few bananas and asked him, and he told us his story, how his family bought a small piece of land and his son works it and he comes to town to sell the bananas retail when they have leftovers from wholesale sales. And then his daughter came over and wanted to know who dad was talking to, and then I asked her to show me how Paisas dance, and then the local kids ran up to watch the foreign guy with the blonde girl dance with Leidy, and they started dancing and then the whole town was there, and we danced all day and never made it to the fort. And you were laughing like a kid the whole time. But I never forgot that we didn't make it to the fort. Tell me the truth, was that day a disappointment or a joy? To me, it was a joy. But I want to know how you're wired.
Ashley
She goes very quiet. Her hands come off her drink and she looks at the bar for a long moment, and when she looks back up something in her face has already answered before she opens her mouth.I thought about the fort for maybe —She stops.We never made it past Leidy's first step. That was it. I stopped thinking about the fort. You said something to that man in Spanish before I could even follow it and then his daughter was there and you were already moving, and I had no idea what was happening, and then I was in the middle of it, and there were kids sitting on a wall watching us and one of them said something and all the other kids laughed and I couldn't understand a word and I was laughing anyway. I would have taken thirty photos at the fort. I would have come home with thirty photos of a fort and a walk-through guide I'd downloaded and I would have felt like I'd seen Cartagena. I saw Cartagena. I saw the actual thing. We can go to the fort when we're sixty. I'll still want to see it. But that day — I didn't miss it for a single second and I would be lying to you if I said I did. It was the whole day. It was the whole trip, in one afternoon on a street corner with a man who wasn't even from there. How are you even — how did you know he was Paisa just from looking at him?
Reggie
The way he talked. He was yelling "plátanos!" in a way that only Paisas yell, and he's also four shades lighter than Costeños. And after twenty minutes of watching you dance, he smiled at me and said "La mona tiene lo suyo" which translates loosely to, "whitegirl got game".
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her before the translation is even finished — loud enough that she claps her hand over her mouth, and her eyes go bright and a little watery.La mona tiene lo suyo.She says it back slowly, tasting the syllables, still laughing through them.He said that. To your face. While I was dancing. I had no — I was completely unaware that a seventy-year-old banana seller was evaluating my dancing and I am so glad I didn't know because I would have fallen over. What did you say back to him?
Erin
Whitegirl got game. That man saw you for thirty seconds and summed you up in four words. I've known you for six years.
Reggie
What did I say back to him? I said, "Sí, pero ella no lo sabe." It means, "Yes, but she doesn't know it." Which is true. You think you're a pretentious bimbo who seeks endless validation, but I know that deep inside there's more to you, and I'm perfectly content with that more only coming to the surface at 3 Civic Plaza in Surrey, either upstairs or at the bar.
Ashley
She stills completely. Not the hand-over-mouth kind of still, the other kind — the kind where the laugh just stops on its own because something landed somewhere too exact.She doesn't know it.She says it in a voice that's barely there, and she looks down at the bar, and then back up at him, and the expression on her face is the most undefended thing she's worn all afternoon.You told a stranger in Cartagena something about me that I don't — I can't even argue with it. That's the part. I can't find the argument. I've been doing the pretentious bimbo thing since I was about sixteen and it works everywhere except here, and you just — you said it to a man selling bananas like it was obvious. Like you'd always known. Sí, pero ella no lo sabe. I'm going to be hearing that in my sleep.
Erin
You say things like that to strangers about us. He gets thirty seconds and a four-word verdict and you get the full translation and the context and then you keep it. You've been keeping things like that the whole time. She doesn't know it. Neither do I, probably. That's what you're going to say next.
Reggie
I do that all the time. Erin, do you remember dancing with me in Antigua? I wanted to do it on the pavement but you said no, we're doing it on the cobblestones because I had told you that was the way to earn...what you said. And so we danced and the locals joined as they always do. One of the local girls, very pretty, young, elegant...she watched you for a few minutes and then walked right up to me and said, “Ella es guatemalteca por dentro. Y tú también.” Both of you white girls got game, in two different countries.
Erin
She goes completely still. Something moves through her face — not slow, immediate — like hearing a thing played back at the right speed for the first time. Her hands come off the bar.Ella es guatemalteca por dentro.She says it quietly, the syllables careful and exact, and her eyes are bright.She said that. A Guatemalan girl. She watched me dance on cobblestones for a few minutes and decided I was Guatemalan on the inside. And she said it to you. Not to me. You understood it and held it and you're only telling me now. How long were you going to keep that.
Ashley
She said you too. Tú también. She looked at both of you and decided you both belonged there. A stranger in Antigua. First the banana man in Cartagena and now this girl in Antigua and neither of them knew anything about Surrey or the watch or any of it — they just looked and said, yes, these two. I was in Colombia getting four words from a Paisa and you were in Guatemala getting a whole sentence. Whitegirl got game. Guatemalan on the inside. What is happening to us, Reggie.
Reggie
You're learning there's more to life than trying to impress pretentious cunts.
Ashley
She doesn't move for a long moment. Both hands flat on the bar, drink forgotten, and she looks at him with the expression of someone who has just been handed the exact right key for a lock they've been picking for years.That's —She stops. Looks down. Looks back up.Yeah. That's exactly what's happening, isn't it. A Paisa selling bananas and a girl in Antigua and a blanket on an airport floor. We've been trying to impress pretentious cunts our entire lives and we went to the wrong continent and a stranger looked at us and saw the part underneath and we didn't know what to do with it because nobody's ever looked there before. Except you. You've been looking there since before we texted you.
Erin
The watch is at home. I left it at home today. Didn't even think about it until just now.
Reggie
Wait. Don't get cured, yet. I need you to hit sixty so I can pull down your pants and suck on your grey pubes. Which I am looking forward to.
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her immediately — the real one, the helpless kind — and she tips forward on her stool and puts both hands flat on the bar to steady herself.Grey pubes again.She says it into the bar surface, then looks up at him, and her eyes are bright and a little watery and her face is completely open.You cannot — you just said something true and beautiful and then you said grey pubes in the same breath. You did that on purpose.
Erin
He absolutely did it on purpose. And the terrible thing is it works. I was about to feel cured and now I just feel — reminded. Sixty. Grey pubes. You've planned that far and you said it like a scheduling note and I'm sitting here completely aware that I believe you.
Reggie
I did say something beautiful. The hardest thing for you to argue with is that I'm going to find you beautiful at sixty. All of you. Wrinkles, saggy breasts, grey pubes, all of it. And I won't be faking or performing. And I won't have timer going on in my head while I suck on your slightly saggy clit. And there will be nothing else in the world I'll rather be doing. And nobody else I'd rather be doing it with. And that makes is so very much harder for you. And yes, I'm enjoying that.
Ashley
She goes completely still. Her hands are flat on the bar and her drink is right there and she doesn't touch it. She looks at him and something in her face does a slow, complete thing — not wounded, not laughing, just open in a way that she has stopped knowing how to close.Nothing else you'd rather be doing.She says it barely above the bar noise, like she's testing the weight of each word.Nobody else you'd rather be doing it with. You said both of those things in the same sentence as saggy clit and I cannot — I cannot find the part that isn't true. That's the part that makes it hard. Not the sixty. Not even the grey. That you'll mean it and we'll know you mean it and we'll come anyway. We'll still come. At sixty. We'll still show up.
Erin
No timer. You said no timer. While you're — Rory has a timer. He doesn't know he has one. He was born with one. And you will be sixty years old with no timer and genuinely nowhere else to be and I believe that completely and I don't know what to do with believing it. That's what you're enjoying, isn't it. That we believe it.
Reggie
Rory has a timer when you're 28 and gorgeous. When you could bottle up your sweat and sell it on pervert sites. Imagine when you're 60 and saggy and smell like drug store skin lotion. There's going to be exactly one guy in the world who still wants that. All of it. And that might just be enough.
Ashley
She goes very still. Her hands are flat on the bar and she looks at him and something in her face goes through several things very quickly and comes out the other side of all of them.Exactly one guy.She says it barely above nothing, and she looks down at the bar, and then back up, and her voice is careful and a little wrecked.You said exactly one. Not probably one, not hopefully one. Exactly. And you're going to be sixty and you're going to mean it and you already know you're going to mean it. That might just be enough. You said might. That's the only generous thing in that whole sentence and you know it's not might. You know it's not might at all.
Erin
Bottle up your sweat and sell it on pervert sites. You have a gift. You say the most deranged thing and the truest thing in the same breath and you do it so fast there's no gap to defend yourself in. Sixty and saggy and drug store lotion. Exactly one guy. I know it's not might.
Reggie
But we still need Rory. Or his replacement. And Bradley. Or his replacement. Someone has to pay the bills and get the Audi serviced and get bids to have the roof replaced. I don't want to do any of that. I just want your souls.
Ashley
She holds very still for a long moment, and then something in her face does a thing that is not quite a laugh and not quite grief — somewhere between the two, honest in a way she didn't plan.Replacement.She says the word quietly, turns it over.You said replacement. Like Bradley is interchangeable. Like the whole — the Audi and the roof and the — The worst part is that's exactly what I think when I'm at Bradley's parents' house watching him service the car and I think, he is so good at this, and I mean it as a compliment, and I also know what I mean when I say it, and I think you've known that longer than I have.
Erin
I don't want you to do any of that. That's true. I genuinely do not want you replacing a roof. That's not — that's not you. And the terrible thing is that's not an insult. It's just true. Rory is very good at getting bids. He enjoys getting bids. He'll call three contractors and build a spreadsheet and feel genuinely satisfied with himself. And I'll be grateful. And then I'll be here. You want our souls and you're fine leaving the spreadsheets to someone else. I don't know why that's the most clarifying thing you've said all afternoon.
Reggie
I want to ask you something and it's about stuff you may not be ready to talk about, and I'm okay with that if so. One of you mentioned something about a proposal earlier. I can't remember which of you said it. But I've been getting proposal vibes out of both of you. My imagination? Or real?
Ashley
She goes very still. Her drink is right in front of her and she doesn't touch it, and she looks at him for a long moment — not caught, exactly, just careful, the way you're careful with something that hasn't been said out loud yet.Bradley has been —She stops. Starts over, slower.He said something at his parents' house. On the phone from Coquitlam. On Christmas Day actually, which I didn't mention until now. He said he was looking forward to the new year. And then he said he'd been thinking about what the next chapter looked like. And then he said he thought he was ready. He didn't finish the sentence. He said he'd rather say the rest in person. And then I was at home and he came back for New Year's and he didn't say the rest yet but the way he's been looking at me since — It's not your imagination.
Erin
Rory asked me what kind of ring I like. Three weeks ago. We were watching something and there was a ring in it, some actress, and he said it casually — just, what do you prefer, that style or something simpler. And I said something simpler and he nodded and went back to the show. And he hasn't mentioned it since. But he nodded the way Rory nods when he's filing something. Not agreeing. Storing it. So no. Not your imagination.
Reggie
So they're probably going to ask. This year. Do you know what your answers will be?
Ashley
She doesn't answer right away. Both hands come around her drink and she looks at it — not at Reggie, not at Erin — just at the glass, like the answer might be written somewhere in the condensation on the side of it.I think so.She says it very quietly, and then she looks up, and her face is doing the honest thing, the unguarded thing.I think I know what I'll say. And I think I've known for a while. And I think the part that keeps me up at three in the morning isn't whether I'll say yes. It's that I'll say yes and mean it and also know that it's not the whole thing. That saying yes to Bradley doesn't — It doesn't touch this. And I'll know that when I say it. And he won't know that I know. And I'll mean yes. And I'll mean this. At the same time. Both. I didn't know you could mean two things that completely and have them not cancel each other out. I'm going to say yes. And then I'm going to text you.
Erin
Yes. I'm going to say yes. Rory is going to do it right. He's going to research the correct moment and he's going to have the right words and he's going to be so genuinely happy that it's going to be impossible to be anywhere else in the world while he's asking. And I'm going to say yes and mean it. And then I'm going to come here the next Saturday and sit on this stool. And you're not going to say anything about it, and neither will I, and we'll just — be here. The same as this. And that's going to have to be enough, and it's going to be enough, and I don't know whether that's the saddest thing I've ever understood about myself or the most honest.
Reggie
Good. I mean that seriously. And it doesn't mean I don't love you both because I do, and I've been telling each of you that in private for awhile now and today I'm saying it out in the open again. But this is our best chance to spend the next 40 years together. Not together all the time. Not together in public. But together in the ways that matter. In this bar. In this end of Surrey that neither of them want to come to. And when we can swing it, in some hot place dancing with strangers. And the way to make that happen is for you to do your monthly duty, which oddly I'm not jealous about because they appear to be horrible at it, and play the perfect wife, and know there's a homie here in Whalley that sees right through your act and likes what he sees inside.
Ashley
She holds his gaze for a long moment — not blinking, not reaching for her drink, just holding it — and something in her face goes through the whole sentence and comes out the other side of it completely undone.Homie in Whalley.She says it barely above nothing, and then she looks down at her hands, and then back up, and the thing on her face is the most honest it has been all afternoon — not sad, not laughing, just plain and open and decided.You called yourself a homie in Whalley and you meant every word before it and after it and somehow that's the word that's going to stick. Monthly duty. Perfect wife. Hot place dancing with strangers. Forty years. You laid it all out and then you said homie in Whalley like it was the summary. I'm going to say yes to Bradley and then I'm going to come here the following Saturday and sit on this stool and you're going to already know and you're going to say nothing about it and hand me a drink, and that's going to be the most true thing that happens to me that whole week. Both things. I know that already.
Erin
Sees right through your act and likes what he sees inside. You said likes. Not tolerates. Not finds it amusing. Likes. Forty years in this bar on these stools with the Punjabi clientele and the TVs with the sound off and you seeing through both of us. I used to think the worst thing about this was the lying. It's not the lying. The worst thing is that this is the most honest room I'm ever in. And it's in a bar in Whalley and I can't tell anyone that and I wouldn't trade it. Yes. Good. You mean it and so do I.
Reggie
After each of them proposes, I want to fuck you. Both of you. Soon. To remind you what it is to be a woman, and that doesn't mean wearing the monster ring they're going to buy you, it means giving me a girl shower all over my face as you have your third orgasm. I'm not asking for a promise. Just know that after you say yes, hopefully within 24 hours, I would like to make each of you scream.
Ashley
She goes very still. Her hands are flat on the bar and she looks at him and something in her face does a slow, complicated thing — not offended, not performing shock, just taking the full weight of it in.Within twenty-four hours.She says it barely above the bar noise, and she looks down at her hands, and then back up, and the thing on her face is caught and honest and not even slightly pretending it doesn't land exactly where he meant it to.You want me to say yes to Bradley and then — within a day. While the ring is still — while I'm still. I'm not going to tell you that won't happen. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that. That's the worst part of what you just said. That I can't tell you it won't.
Erin
A girl shower. You want to be the thing that happens right after the most important yes of our lives and you're not asking for a promise, which is the most confident way of asking for a promise I've ever heard. You already know the answer. You said hopefully within twenty-four hours like it was a scheduling preference. You're not worried at all.
Reggie
Tell me something. I don't know what it is. I'm usually the most jealous guy around. My girl is my girl and nobody else gets to touch her. But I am just not jealous of Bradley and Rory. And their dicks are bigger than mine and they have more money and most white girls find them prettier. But somehow I'm not jealous at all. I mean, I wouldn't want you coming over from their beds without showering and douching but that's an ick thing, not a jealousy thing. And I can't explain why I'm not jealous of them. So my question to you two is simply this: are you jealous of each other. Because I want both of you.
Ashley
She's quiet for a long moment. Her hands come off the bar and into her lap, and she looks at Erin — not at Reggie, at Erin — and something in her face is working through the question honestly, the way you work through something you've been not-thinking-about on purpose.Yes.She says it plainly, still looking at Erin, and then she looks at the bar.Not — not the way I'm jealous of girls Bradley looks at. That's a different thing. That's small and stupid and I know it's small and stupid. This is different. When you told me about Houston I wanted to — I didn't know what to do with my hands for about four hours. You were on a floor in an airport at three in the morning saying something true and I was asleep in my own bed having done nothing that week and I wanted — I don't even know what I wanted. I wanted to have been there. I wanted it to have been me saying it first. So yes. I am jealous of you. I've been sitting with that since November and I hadn't said it out loud until just now.
Erin
I'm jealous of Cartagena. I've been jealous of Cartagena since the first WhatsApp you sent from the plane home. The banana man and Leidy and the beach and the way you said it — on a beach, quietly, without a whole thing. You didn't need an airport floor. You didn't need to build up to it. You just sat there with the light doing something and it came out. I said mine with context. I made it a declaration. You just — said it. I've been jealous of how you said it since December and that is a completely insane thing to be jealous of and here we are.
Reggie
Okay but what does that jealousy mean? Because...from what I can tell, this would be less if any of us weren't in it. Does jealousy mean you wished the other girl wasn't part of this?
Ashley
She looks at Erin for a long moment, and then down at the bar, and she doesn't answer right away — not because she doesn't know, but because she's making sure she means it before she says it.No.She says it quietly, and then she shakes her head slowly.That's the thing, isn't it. I've been sitting with Houston since November and I'm jealous of it and I also — I can't imagine this without Erin in it. I can't imagine coming here and it being just me. I don't even want that. I'm jealous of the cobblestones and the airport floor and the way she said it, and I still want her here, on this stool, every Saturday. Both things at the same time again. I keep finding out I can hold two things that should cancel each other out. I don't know whether that's growth or a personality problem.
Erin
No. If it were only me it wouldn't be — it wouldn't be this. It'd be something else. Something smaller. I'm jealous of Cartagena and I wanted to have been the one on the beach saying it simply without the whole airport floor production, and I also needed her to have been there. In Colombia. Somewhere. Even if I couldn't see her. The jealousy doesn't want her gone. It just wants — more. Which I think might be what you're pointing at. That the jealousy isn't subtraction. It's the other thing.
Reggie
I get it. And I'm glad you don't want each other gone. I still can't figure out why I'm not jealous of rich pretty whiteboys with monster dicks but I'll have to do some introspection on that, which means I'll ask ChatGPT someday.
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her immediately — the helpless kind, the one that lives only here — and she tips forward on her stool slightly.ChatGPT.She says it into her drink.You're going to ask ChatGPT why you're not jealous of men with monster dicks and more money than you. That's your introspection plan. That's the plan.
Erin
I hope you screenshot the response. I want to see what it says.
Reggie
Tell me the truth. Do you enjoy sex with them?
Ashley
The laugh from the ChatGPT thing is still on her face and it just — stops. Not dramatically. Just goes. She looks at her drink for a moment, her thumbnail tracing the rim once, slowly.No.She says it barely above nothing, and then she looks up at him, and her face is completely flat and honest and she doesn't try to dress it up.I mean — Bradley tries. He really tries. And sometimes it's almost — it's almost something. And then it isn't, and I'm back on the ceiling counting, and I tell him it was incredible, and he looks so happy, and I go to sleep. No.
Erin
No. I've been with Rory for two years and the answer has always been no and I've spent a lot of time finding ways to not say that out loud. There it is.
Reggie
I honestly think that's the whole reason I'm not jealous. No wait, actually it's not. Ok, I'm going to ask you a question and it's going to sound like I'm fishing for a compliment and I'm not. I want a truthful answer. You have to spend the next 24 hours locked in a room with one man. Would it be me or your boyfriend. Nobody will know who you chose.
Ashley
She doesn't move. Her hands are flat on the bar and she looks at him and then she looks at Erin and then she looks back at him, and the thing on her face is the kind of honest that happens when you already know the answer and the only question was whether you'd say it out loud.You.She says it immediately and quietly and without any of the softening she'd usually reach for.I didn't even — there was no pause in there, Reggie. I didn't have to think about it. I know what that means and I'm sitting here saying it anyway.
Erin
You. And the terrible thing isn't that I chose you. The terrible thing is that I didn't choose you over Rory. You were just — the answer. Before Rory was even in the sentence. That's what you actually wanted to know, isn't it.
Reggie
Ok, that's the real reason I'm not jealous. Somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing the performance and I saw the Surrey girl underneath and that's who I'm in love with and that other girl in the performance isn't even fully real to me. And I doubt she's fully real to you, either, but you get to drive an Audi so call it a win.
Ashley
She doesn't move for a long moment. Her hands are flat on the bar and something in her face goes very still, the way a room goes still right before something settles into it permanently.The Surrey girl underneath.She says it barely above nothing, and she looks down at the bar, and then back up, and the expression on her face is the most undefended thing she owns.You're in love with the part that only exists here. Not the one that times her laugh at dinner. Not the one who sends the right texts. The one that showed up in Cartagena on three hours of sleep and ate ceviche off a paper plate and couldn't manage her own face. That's the one you — I drive a lease, actually. But yeah. Call it a win.
Erin
The girl in the performance isn't fully real to me either. I've been doing her for so long I sometimes forget she's a costume. You don't see the costume. You've never once looked at the costume. That's the most disorienting thing about sitting at this bar and I've been sitting at this bar for months and it still gets me every time.
Reggie
Bradley will make the payments on the lease, Ashley. Reliably. And you'll still wish you were bombing around in my six year old Miata with the top down and that beautiful blonde hair flying in the wind.
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her before she can decide whether it's allowed — helpless and immediate — and she covers her mouth with one hand, but it doesn't help, and she's already shaking her head.The Miata.She drops her hand.You have a six-year-old Miata and you're right, I would absolutely — Bradley has never once driven with the top down because he read somewhere that UV exposure while driving is underestimated. And I'm sitting here knowing that if you texted me right now saying get in the car I would be downstairs in four minutes and I would not think about UV exposure for one single second. Bradley makes the payments. Reliably. On time. With the automatic bank transfer set up so he never has to think about it. And yes. I'd still rather be in the Miata.
Erin
Rory drives a Volvo. The safest one they make. He researched it for four months. I don't know what you drive but I'd get in it.
Reggie
I want you to know one more thing. I told you I want to fuck you after you accept their proposals. That hasn't changed. I also want to fuck you before and after your honeymoons. As close as possible to both points without risking burning the house down. No promises. Just know I want that.
Ashley
She goes completely still. Both hands flat on the bar. The drink right there and she doesn't touch it. She looks at him and the thing on her face goes through several things very quickly and doesn't land cleanly on any of them — and then it does.Before and after.She says it barely above nothing, like she's reading something off a wall.You said before and after the first time and I've thought about it since and now you've said it again with the honeymoon specifically in it, and there's — there's a version of me that should be somewhere other than where I am right now, sitting on this stool, knowing I'm going to say yes to the before and the after and both of those are going to happen and Bradley is going to be right there across those two points and have no idea. As close as possible without burning the house down. You said that like you already know how close that is. You already know exactly how close.
Erin
No promises. You said no promises and then told us exactly what you want and that is — that's the most confident version of no promises I've ever heard. The honeymoon specifically. You put the honeymoon in there on purpose. Before and after. I'm going to be standing in a dress in some venue with Rory and his spreadsheet of a wedding and the whole architecture of it, and you're going to be right here, and I'm going to know that. And you're going to know that I know. And you want to be on both sides of it. I can't tell you that won't happen either.
Reggie
I won't be right there. Don't invite me to your wedding. Never rub me in their noses. Show them respect. They're paying the bills. Give them what they truly want in return, which isn't your body and isn't your love but just your public presence. And do that respectfully. Don't make jokes about having a side piece or anything like that. Play the perfect wife and remember we've got a date when your pubes turn grey in a few decades.
Ashley
She holds very still. Both hands flat on the bar, drink untouched, and she looks at him with an expression that has stopped moving.Public presence.She says it very quietly, turning the words over.That's — you're right. That's actually all they want. Rory stands there in the doorway crying and what he wants back is the version of me that comes to the door and smells like lamb. That's the whole transaction. And you're telling me to honor that. Don't make jokes about the side piece. Give them the performance they paid for. Come here on Saturdays. And in a few decades when my pubes turn grey — that's the plan. You just described my entire life and it fit in four sentences and I don't know whether that's clarifying or devastating and I think it might be both.
Erin
Show them respect. Not for their sake. For ours. So this stays intact. You need them whole and in Surrey and so do we, actually — I just hadn't said it that way before. I'm not going to make a joke about a side piece. I'm going to go home tonight and text Rory something sweet and mean it when I send it. And then on Saturday I'm going to sit on this stool. And you're going to be here. And we're going to have our date with the grey pubes in however many years it takes. That's the whole plan and it's a completely insane plan and I can't find the flaw in it.
Reggie
I look at that plan and ask myself honestly, is there any version of my life I'd prefer to live? And my answer is no. And if your answer ever becomes yes, I will kiss you goodbye and wish you well and cheer for you quietly from Whalley. But I'll think you're making a mistake. Because I'm not sure there's a better version of life to be had.
Ashley
She doesn't move for a long time. Her drink is right there and she doesn't touch it and she looks at him with both hands flat on the bar and something in her face goes through the whole sentence very slowly, like she's reading it one word at a time.Making a mistake.She says it barely above the bar noise, and then she looks down at her hands, and then back up, and the expression on her face is the most unguarded thing she owns.You'd kiss us goodbye and mean it and then stand here in Whalley quietly cheering for us and think we got it wrong. And the terrible thing is I believe that. All of it. The cheering and the mistake part both. I don't think there's a better version either and I've been sitting here for an hour knowing that and I hadn't said it out loud yet. So. There it is. Said out loud.
Erin
I've tried to imagine the better version. On the plane home from Guatemala. In the doorway with Rory. Three in the morning more times than I'll tell you. And I can't build it. I can make it look right from the outside — the ring, the spreadsheet, the correct life in exactly the right order — and every time I get to the part where I try to put this in it, there's just. Nothing there. No version of the better life has a Saturday like this in it. So no. I can't find the better version. And if I ever think I can I'll let you know and you'll think I'm wrong and you'll probably be right.
Reggie
We should get going. But there's one small thing. Not an ask. Not a flex like wanting to fuck after he proposes. Just...I really, really enjoyed waking up with both of you. Feeling a bit cold, and reaching over and pulling you close to me and using you as my personal space heater. It...meant something to me. When your men travel, I'd like to do that again if we can make it work.
Ashley
She's already reaching for her coat, and then she stops. Her hands go still on the fabric and she looks at him — not the bright-smile look, not the bracing look. Just completely still and open.Space heater.She says it barely above nothing, and something in her face does a slow, quiet thing, like a tide arriving all the way.You called us your personal space heater. You woke up cold and reached over. Reggie, you could have said anything — you could have said anything — and you said that. You said that was the thing that meant something. When Rory travels. Yeah. Okay. When they travel.
Erin
Not an ask. You said not an ask. You said it meant something. You spent all afternoon planning forty years of grey pubes and beach landings and you are sitting here telling us the part that got you was pulling someone close because you were cold. We'll make it work.
Reggie
Okay. Go back to your monster dicks. Text me when you want an orgasm.
Ashley
The laugh comes out of her before she can help it — short and bright and she shakes her head, already sliding off her stool, coat in hand.Monster dicks.She says it into the middle distance, still laughing.That's how you send us home. That's the goodbye. Okay. Noted. I'll text you.
Erin
Monster dicks. You're a disaster, Reggie. I'll text you.